the ringing in my ears and pushing my grateful button

It is 4:16 pm and I've spent the better part of the last hour lying on my bed, with the window air conditioner dutifully pushing out it's cool air. I've been subconsciously listening to the hum of the fan sitting on the chair not far from my side of the bed bellowing it's almost-cool air at our direction.

My little boy sleeps on my husbands side of the bed. He sleeps with a pillow snugged up to him, one leg thrown over - just like his mother.

I almost sleep. It goes like this often. Both of us lie down. One of us almost falls asleep and I'll give you a hint: it isn't him. So then, the mommy-instinct that keeps me awake until he falls asleep has kicked in full swing. As he drifts off to sleep, I am maddeningly awake. Yet, lazy enough to just lay there and think of all the things that need to be done, instead of getting up to actually do them.

So I pick up a book. The one closest to my side of the bed. Today, it was "Small Wonder" Essays by Barbara Kingsolver.

The ringing in my ears is incessant. Intolerable - yet there is no "other option". When it is quiet and still, it is all that much more magnified. I am grateful for the 'shhhhhhhhh' of the air conditioner and the 'hhhhmmm' of the fan.

I skip around the pages of the book, picking at the dog-eared pages and re-reading my favorites, pontificating the meaning of life. I wonder if I could write a book and then wonder even more if anyone would read it. How would it be possible to unscramble the millions of miles of thought from my head and heart and throw the words in legible form onto paper?

"It's too hot", I think out loud. Too hot even, to be fat and lazy. My belly aches and reminds me not-so-gently that eating at McTrouble will give you something to bellyache about. I wonder why I did that. I will remember this when the option arises again and will detour to another. Home is never too far after all.

The kitchen is quiet save the whir of the ceiling fan, thank goodness. The ringing in my ears follows me except when I sleep. For that I am grateful.

Genetically Engineered/Modified foods and greenhouse gases and global warming skip across my mind. Gave four DVD's to a friend of ours yesterday. Processed People and three from the Healthy Lifestyle Expo from 2006.

I'm thirsty. This water smells like chlorine. I'll be grateful (again) when the well pump is working and the tasteless, odorless clean earthy life-giving water pours from this farmhouse sink once again. Some people in the world don't have running water. If they do, it runs down a filthy thoroughfare, it makes them sick if they don't boil it first. There are times when I could cry for the thought. I put the Brita filter pitcher back without filling it up all the way. Look at the strawberries and blueberries and get them out, setting them on the table. Fruit salad sounds good.

More contemplations fly like hummingbirds about my head; the laundry that needs to be hung out, the picture frames for VBS that need to be painted, the fact that I am going to stop eating meat and dairy for a while and how I'm not looking forward to the withdrawals along with if someone keeps reading beyond this point, are they as loony as myself?

No pictures in this post. Thought about putting some random ones in, but it's too hot, which makes me feel fat and lazy which makes me not want to put pictures in this post. 86 degrees in the dining room, and 95 on the porch in the shade. Dog days, indeed.

'One thing at a time ' pops headfirst into my thoughts, & 'Be a human being, not a human doing' slides in second. 'Stay present' steals third. Rounding home comes 'there is enough time, there is enough love, and there is enough money'. Many of these from my mother, of whom I'm more grateful every passing year. Hi Mom!

The computer fan hums cyclically. I can hear the refrigerator cycle on and off. The ringing in my ears is like a standing ovation for the wild theater performance that is my thought processes. I can think of a million and three things I'd like to change - for the better.

Today, I'm going to keep being grateful. Grateful for my beating heart, my ringing ears, my boy sleeping, the husband outside working on his latest project (that benefits us, as a family, not just him) and for the water I'm drinking and the journey I'm on. And grateful that I have this outlet, here, and that people read it, for what it is worth.

I did it.

For those of you who do not know, since last July, our family has succeeded at avoiding 90% (+ or - ) of commercial meat, poultry, dairy and eggs. We avoid buying it. We avoid eating it prepared at restaurants, eateries, etc. There are times that we do eat it. By choice, but somewhat reluctantly. And, sometimes, there are those moments when we just go with some gusto for the beef enchiladas, chicken tacos and chile-con-carne at our favorite Mexican restaurant.

Thanks to my Mom, who turned us onto a couple of DVD's containing the wisdom of Dr. Joel Fuhrman, thoughtful intellect of John Robbins, and referrals to books like this. Although the majority of these "nutritarians", "flexitarians", "vegetarians", and "vegan" persons choose to avoid animal products, we decided to eat our farm raised meat and eggs along with a plant-based diet instead of the commercially raised meat found in grocery stores today.

We have laying hens for eggs. We have pigs raised in a wooded lot for pork. Grass-fed (and finished) steers for beef. And just last week, we picked up our 55 day old chicks from the post office that had been delivered there from Reich Poultry in PA. The chicks, on this seventh day of their lives, are doing fantastic and so in about 10 to 14 weeks, the roosters will be freezer stock, whereas the hens will be layers, hopefully beginning to lay eggs around 19 weeks.

As much of an animal lover I am, I do enjoy a roast chicken, a steak, and a good pulled pork bbq sandwich once in a while. That said, I do justify (to myself - not anyone else) that our animals are raised humanely, happily, cared for in every way possible, and because not one minute of their lives are spent in fear for their lives, I believe they produce healthier meat (and eggs).

In the style of anonymous (as anonymous as this blogging thing gets...) honesty, there IS a part of me that cringes a little - ok, a whole lot - when I pontificate the reality that the living, breathing, thinking and feeling animal before me will be on my plate at some point in the future. If I had to kill what I ate, I would most definitely be a vegetarian; a Lacto-Ovo vegetarian - drinking the milk from our own cow and the eggs from our own chickens.

While I say this with a humble spirit and a loving heart, I must admit that I have become less and less tolerant of the idea that we, individually and societally, accept that the way our current food system works. Like a school of fish we just sorta swim along and when one or two fish move to the left, so do we. To the right? Yes ma'am, yes sir. Tortured chicken? Sure, why not.

Ever seen Food, Inc. ? How about The Future of Food ?

If it is in the grocery store it must be ok, right? If my mom feeds it to me, it must not be bad, right?

WRONG

Unfortunately, most of us (you, me, your mom and them) will not change our eating habits until something happens to our health. I urge you, and in doing so, renew my own passion for taking my own advice, to think about where your food comes from.

I came across a note I scribbled on a legal pad a while back while I was talking to my mom on the phone, it said:

" going organic - treading lightly. self-educating, stepping carefully amongst monopolies seeking to jump on and take control of the organic bandwagon.

why are people so defensive of their junk food and adamantly opposed to spending money on healthy, non-gmo, pesticide-free food - yet fork over hundreds of dollars a month for health coverage/costs to treat illness caused by poor diet."

Now that I've shared some of my ranting, let me say this - I am occasionally a hypocrite.

A while back, my preschooler had parent-teacher conference. Naturally, Ed and I attended said event. On this day, the school was serving lunch to the parents if they came to the conferences. We got our "ticket" and went to the cafeteria after finding out that our little boy is doing 'satisfactory' in school.

Guess what they were having for lunch?? Hot dogs. All the way. Chips. Soda. WHOOPEE! You can imagine my surprise. Now, this isn't an attack on the school. Or school lunches, but it IS indicative of our "quick and easy" nation, is it not? I mean, when people have cook-outs, or bbq's - they make (drum roll, please) HOT DOGS! (nevermind the bun/hot dog ratio issue )

So now you know why there are pictures of a plate lunch starring the humble hot dog, it's supporting friends potato chips and executive producer mountain-dew-wanna-be drink made by someone (sam walton & co. ) who shall remain unnamed (aka: wally world). And the underdog "chili"!

At this not-so-neatly-tied-up blog post end, I'll bid goodnight leaving you with this.

Bon Appetit! Or, not.

Be careful little mouth what you eat. And yes, I ate the hot dog, chips and soda. The last one I'll ever willingly or knowingly eat.