Tuesday, July 20, 2010
the ringing in my ears and pushing my grateful button
It is 4:16 pm and I've spent the better part of the last hour lying on my bed, with the window air conditioner dutifully pushing out it's cool air. I've been subconsciously listening to the hum of the fan sitting on the chair not far from my side of the bed bellowing it's almost-cool air at our direction.
My little boy sleeps on my husbands side of the bed. He sleeps with a pillow snugged up to him, one leg thrown over - just like his mother.
I almost sleep. It goes like this often. Both of us lie down. One of us almost falls asleep and I'll give you a hint: it isn't him. So then, the mommy-instinct that keeps me awake until he falls asleep has kicked in full swing. As he drifts off to sleep, I am maddeningly awake. Yet, lazy enough to just lay there and think of all the things that need to be done, instead of getting up to actually do them.
So I pick up a book. The one closest to my side of the bed. Today, it was "Small Wonder" Essays by Barbara Kingsolver.
The ringing in my ears is incessant. Intolerable - yet there is no "other option". When it is quiet and still, it is all that much more magnified. I am grateful for the 'shhhhhhhhh' of the air conditioner and the 'hhhhmmm' of the fan.
I skip around the pages of the book, picking at the dog-eared pages and re-reading my favorites, pontificating the meaning of life. I wonder if I could write a book and then wonder even more if anyone would read it. How would it be possible to unscramble the millions of miles of thought from my head and heart and throw the words in legible form onto paper?
"It's too hot", I think out loud. Too hot even, to be fat and lazy. My belly aches and reminds me not-so-gently that eating at McTrouble will give you something to bellyache about. I wonder why I did that. I will remember this when the option arises again and will detour to another. Home is never too far after all.
The kitchen is quiet save the whir of the ceiling fan, thank goodness. The ringing in my ears follows me except when I sleep. For that I am grateful.
Genetically Engineered/Modified foods and greenhouse gases and global warming skip across my mind. Gave four DVD's to a friend of ours yesterday. Processed People and three from the Healthy Lifestyle Expo from 2006.
I'm thirsty. This water smells like chlorine. I'll be grateful (again) when the well pump is working and the tasteless, odorless clean earthy life-giving water pours from this farmhouse sink once again. Some people in the world don't have running water. If they do, it runs down a filthy thoroughfare, it makes them sick if they don't boil it first. There are times when I could cry for the thought. I put the Brita filter pitcher back without filling it up all the way. Look at the strawberries and blueberries and get them out, setting them on the table. Fruit salad sounds good.
More contemplations fly like hummingbirds about my head; the laundry that needs to be hung out, the picture frames for VBS that need to be painted, the fact that I am going to stop eating meat and dairy for a while and how I'm not looking forward to the withdrawals along with if someone keeps reading beyond this point, are they as loony as myself?
No pictures in this post. Thought about putting some random ones in, but it's too hot, which makes me feel fat and lazy which makes me not want to put pictures in this post. 86 degrees in the dining room, and 95 on the porch in the shade. Dog days, indeed.
'One thing at a time ' pops headfirst into my thoughts, & 'Be a human being, not a human doing' slides in second. 'Stay present' steals third. Rounding home comes 'there is enough time, there is enough love, and there is enough money'. Many of these from my mother, of whom I'm more grateful every passing year. Hi Mom!
The computer fan hums cyclically. I can hear the refrigerator cycle on and off. The ringing in my ears is like a standing ovation for the wild theater performance that is my thought processes. I can think of a million and three things I'd like to change - for the better.
Today, I'm going to keep being grateful. Grateful for my beating heart, my ringing ears, my boy sleeping, the husband outside working on his latest project (that benefits us, as a family, not just him) and for the water I'm drinking and the journey I'm on. And grateful that I have this outlet, here, and that people read it, for what it is worth.